Poems by Snert Grewber

The Herring

I had a little herring,
Nothing did it do,
So I put it in a tin
For a week or two.

One night I got hungry
And had it for my tea.
It was very nice and I said,
“That’ll do for me.”

The Snoogar

Cream cake, big lake, poo pants pie,
I saw a Snoogar trying to fly.

Flapping its wings, it rose into the sky,
Up into the heavens — who knows why?

It flew over the mountains,
It flew across the sea,
It flew around the world
And came back to me.

Now Wash Your Hands

It’s important to remember,
Once you’ve done a poo,
Wipe your bum properly,
It’s an important thing to do!

Don’t leave it all messy,
Covered in dirt!
Or it will be very smelly,
It might even hurt!

Once the wiping’s over,
Remember what you’ve done,
Because it’s no fun
To have a stinky bum!

Now, what comes next?
It’s not hard to think,
March right on over
To a basin or a sink.

Wash your hands!
Making sure they’re nice and clean!
I’m sure you’ll understand,
Considering where they’ve been!

When that’s all done,
Dry your hands on a towel,
And relax in the knowledge
That you’re rid of all things foul.

A job well done,
Everyone will agree!
So do the same thing,
When you have a wee!

Beans

We’re talking beans!

Adzuki beans,
Urad beans,
The green bean!
...Could this cause a scene?

Navy beans,
Black beans,
A coffee bean — it’s obscene!
Are there many more?

Soy beans,
Matpe beans — oh my word!
On the floor!

Moth beans — they can’t fly!
Kidney beans — don’t ask why,
It’s Urad beans again.

Cranberry beans,
Pinto beans,
Mung beans — who knew?
...Well actually, quite a few!

Pigeon beans — what a coo!
...Can you keep them in the freezer?

Helda beans,
Roman beans —
Might as well hail Caesar.

Brown beans,
Broad beans,
...The runner bean, have you seen?
We’re two past seventeen.

Butter beans,
It’s insane,
Urad beans again.

Chilli beans,
Sean Bean,
Jack and the Beanstalk!

Hang on a minute...
They’re not beans!
People are bound to talk!

Back to beans,
The list is long,
We’re a long way from the start!

I must add the baked bean,
The ones that make you fart!

Then again, I should end it there,
As you folk may start to fume.

I can tell... with dismay,
The air is full of doom!

The baked bean is not a bean —
It’s actually a legume!

People I’ve Never Met

There are billions of people on the Earth,
Like Helen Mirren or Colin Firth.

There are certainly more that I could add,
Like Rupert Grint or Cheryl Ladd.

The list gets longer, I can assure,
Adding Alan Hansen and Demi Moore.

But wait a minute, I’ll wager a bet!
Can I list all the people I’ve never met?

Perhaps an even greater feat,
Something extremely hard to beat —
To include all the people I could never meet!

To name just two, Frank Bough or Joan Rivers,
For, as you will know, they’re no longer with us.

It’s impossible to meet Jerry Maguire,
As he’s a fictional fellow, should you enquire.

As I come to the end, don’t think me a fool,
Mentioning Stuart Graham, who I knew at school.

Not a person that I’ve particularly missed,
But what I can say — he’s not on this list.