THE OFFICIAL NUMBER8MAN HAT REGISTRY
A Brief History of “The Hat Registry”
The Invention of the Hat
To many people’s surprise, hats were invented by Alan Hat in 1972.
Whilst many historians and archaeologists suggest otherwise, world-renowned poet and hat expert Snert Grewber states in his comprehensive research that any suspected hats found prior to 1972 are nothing more than elaborate mould growths or unfortunate hairstyles.
Examples of which he theorises with Henri Matisse’s 1905 Woman with a Hat, where he suggests this is clearly an attempt by Matisse to correct a mistake where a pigeon was caught in the model’s hair whilst the picture was being painted.
Any demands to view Snert’s research in an attempt to validate his claims have to date been strenuously rebuffed, where he has stated on numerous occasions, “I bet you’d love that, wouldn’t you, weather boy!”
The Official Number8Man Hat Registry
In the late 1960s, with Snert Grewber’s assistance, the number8man compiled the Official number8man Hat Registry. This was no small undertaking and took several hours to complete and is now thought by them to be the most comprehensive hat directory in the world.
The thousands of registry numbers generated have not yet had any hats assigned to them, and some hats are duplicated several times, making the data in excess of 98% inaccurate or false. To which the pair proudly declare that few registries or databases in the world can boast such distinguished credentials.
A Recent Interview
In a recent interview, the number8man, who’s just the drawing of a face with a number 8 on its side for eyes, didn’t say anything, but Snert said, “Do you want to hear one of my poems?”
The interviewer said, “I thought we were here to talk about hats.”
Snert said, “Why?”
To which the interviewer replied, “Because it’s a programme about hats, which we stated in the letter we sent, inviting you on the show.”
Snert said, “Do you know anything about this?” to the number8man who didn’t move or respond as he lay on a cushion.
Trying to regain some decorum, the interviewer said, “I notice Mr Grewber, that you’re not wearing a hat today.”
“Yes, I am,” Snert responded boisterously, “it’s an invisible hat, you bum sniffer.”
“That’s a bit rude,” replied the interviewer.
To which Snert’s quick retort was “I’ll tell you what’s rude, xxxx…,,” but the interview stopped there!
For more information, you’ll have to look elsewhere.
Alan Hat — Inventor of the Hat
Alan Hat inventor of the hat, not to be confused with Alan Hat of the same name who didn’t invent the hat, which often causes both confusion and hilarity at the same time in Hat circles, but not always in that order.
This is repeatedly commented on in his memoir Hats off to Alan by Alan Hat not the other Alan Hat of the same name! A nod to that humorous part of Alan’s life.
Excerpts from interviews with Alan Hat are fascinating and reveal some of the emotional depths of his personality, and his propensity to use fruity naughty poopoo potty mouth words.
From the Archives — 1972
Interviewer: “So Alan you have just invented the hat, that’s amazing, how did this happen?”
Alan: “Well I was thinking about a huge particle accelerator, an enormous ring that could smash subatomic materials together, when all of a sudden and quite unintentionally I invented the hat.”
Interviewer: “Gosh, that’s quite a claim, what about other headwear that was being used prior to this, you know what people have been wearing all over the world?”
Alan: “What!”
Interviewer: “You know other headwear that people have been using and placing on their heads for thousands of years?”
Alan: “Shit off, I just invented the hat! Look, what’s this shitting thing on my shitting head?”
Interviewer: “Well, it’s a hat!”
Alan: “Yes it shitting is, so shit off you shitting shitter!”
End.
From the Archives — 1997 Telephone Call
Alan: answering the call: “Hello.”
Caller: “Hello, is that Alan?”
Alan: “Yes, who’s this?”
Caller: “Alan Hat?”
Alan: “What, you’re Alan Hat?”
Caller: “No sorry, I was trying to confirm if you are Alan Hat.”
Alan: “Oh, yes I’m Alan Hat, who’s calling?”
Caller: “I’m Rupert Rodger’s from Headwear Histories, I was wondering if…..”
Alan: “Sorry, can I stop you there, I’m not that Alan Hat, you’re looking for the other Alan Hat, I’m not involved in Hats.”
Caller: “I’m so sorry, that must happen all the time, do you by any chance have his contact details?”
Alan: “No.” Hangs up.